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Carson-isms March 4, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in Comedians.
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Johnny Carson Quotes…  

 

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”

 “What’s all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?”

 “I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.”

 “The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money”

 “If variety if the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam”

 “The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money”

 If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

 “Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.”

 “They say atomic radiation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is so can a hockey stick. But we don’t stop building them.”

 “For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”

 “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”

 “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”

 “Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.”

 “Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.”

 “I told my wife there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.”

 “It was cold out today.” (Audience)”How cold was it?” “It was so cold, that the flashers in the park were keeping their overcoats buttoned, and just describing themselves to people.”

 “[Don’t forget, Mr. Carson, your body is the only home you’ll ever have.] Yes, my home is pretty messy. But I have a woman who comes in once a week.”