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Only in America March 27, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in US Humor.
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1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
10. Only in America….do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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Who Was The Father? March 27, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in Uncategorized.
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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye; she pauses for moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife is admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: “You.”

Sometimes it works… March 8, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in "That's Just Wrong".
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An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called — and that on the few  occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

 

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog …. or the senile elderly lady.

 

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

 

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

 

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

 

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

 

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

 

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

 

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Overheard during a colonoscopy March 8, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in "That's Just Wrong".
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A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
* I usually don’t do this on the first date.
* “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”
* “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
* “Can you hear me now?”
* “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
* “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
* “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
* “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you put your left and in and you shake it all about….”
* “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
* “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
* “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
* “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
And the best one of them all…
* “Could you write a note for my wife saying that, in your considered medical opinion, my head is not up there?”

Memory Problems March 8, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in Uncategorized.
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it made a huge difference for me.”

“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?”

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. . .”Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

The Golfer and the Tree March 8, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in Uncategorized.
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A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

 Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

 After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

Peace & Quiet March 4, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in Marriage.
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A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.


“Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”

“Yeah. But today is the last day”.

Sunday Morning Sex March 4, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in "That's Just Wrong".
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even…

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

Ole Fred March 4, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in "That's Just Wrong".
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Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

Pun-Nish-Ment March 4, 2007

Posted by SuperDave in Puns.
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Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, put they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (absolutely brilliant!)

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did?